Mother-in-law-bashings and daugher-in-law-thrashings are common to all cultures and socio-economic strata as amply flashed in these pages frequently. I guess the thought must come to every mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law, as to why is it so? The irony is that it should have been the easiest situation to resolve because it pertains to two women who ought to know each other better. Let us begin with an analysis of how women view men and other women. To women, men, whether sons, husbands or sons-in-law, are a source of security, physical, emotional, fiscal, social and cultural. This is regardless of the professional or economic strength of women. (Benazir Bhutto could not have been the PM had she not married; incidentally, she should hang on to him, if she wishes to continue a political career.) Mothers view sons as their symbol of strength, mainly economic and social. In societies where old-age is much of a privilege enjoyed through supporting sons, the attachment of mothers to sons is but natural. A new woman walking into a family and usurping the ablest male can not be viewed anything but a hostile bid. To the newly married woman, the man brings much pride, security and social status. She wants all of him—his time, his money, his attention and the rest. That makes men a sort of commodity—highly sought after by all women making claim to them. Problems begin when all parties making claim to this property ignore the socially-awarded equitable shares of others. And that's where things fail miserably because women by nature are never good at sharing things—corporeal or otherwise. They invariably have shallower hearts. But that is not a fault of woman's personality. In the Grand Plan, woman has a place, a role that strengthens the future of the family, that brings prudence to living and that is entirely driven by securing future needs of the family. Men, by nature, are aloof and crudely presented mere seed disseminators. It takes a woman to make a person out of this crude male machine. It is a woman who ends up putting all the nuts and bolts together for a secure family. And if women were to share the assets of a family imprudently, there will be no secure future for the family. Women like to collect things, store things, hoard things and often get carried away in grabbing everything--husbands and sons being no exception. A husband is a commodity too precious to share with another woman (definitely not with another na-mehram woman). And this brings a tug-of-war between a mother and a wife. Unfortunately, both lose it because they do not understand and appreciate their own basic nature. The older woman in the war is too old to change and perhaps a lot more insecure to give up; the younger new generation of woman in the ring is too brash and confident of herself, a better usurper than her predecessors. The lines get drawn and battles ensue. (Women are also bad losers; guess, that's why they do not like gambling.) And that results in a lot of bad blood--enough to fill pages and pages of newspapers and books.

Women who come to grip with this universal problem are those who realise the simple assertion: they both love the same man, even though for different reasons. But loving does not mean owning him at all times. They can easily share and win. It isn't that difficult. Just remember, men are like a commodity—precious, useful, and essential but not certainly for keeps at all times. Achcha hai dil kay paas rahe paas-bane dil; lekin kabhi kabhi ise tanha bhe chhor dey. (It is good to have your loved ones close to your heart; but often it is good to let them alone). So, here is an advise to daughter-in-laws on how to love your mother-in-law: never wish to change the habits of your mother-in-law, get off your husband's back when he is with her mother, never nag about what he gives to his mother including his time (and possibly encourage it if you can muster enough courage), and finally realise that being a woman means being selfish through no fault of yours and you do require taming.